no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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