were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
