Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
