well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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