I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
