If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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