My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
