I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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