Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
