just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
