If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize