Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
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