even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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