I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
