I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize