you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
