Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
