it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
