Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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