I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
