the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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