my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I need to align my fucking chakras
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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