i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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