totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
