Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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