chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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