I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
