Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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