your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
