i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
