My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
