i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
