our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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