He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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