I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Floor bacon is actually really good
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
