There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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