Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
