Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
