Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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