I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
