I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
