My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
vagina is talking i cant
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Randomize
