I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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