At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
