you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize