Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
