my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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