You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
