Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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