u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
