The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
