I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
