it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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