My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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