So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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