I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
