You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
